Mulling over several options

Today was my last day at work and now I have nothing but time to think about what it is that I'm going to be doing next. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone including my mom which is very rare. All I'm thinking about is 'what now?'. The answer is very simple, "I have no idea". I'm too tired to think right now and I need to clear my mind and really create an atmosphere where I can think without prejudice or influence of any kind. I am sad, I am tired, I am frustrated, I am broken, I am exhausted, I am exactly what I wanted to avoid when I arrived in Cairo. This country is not exactly 'woman friendly' as nothing here caters to making a woman's life easy. It's a man's world and it will never change. I have fought hard to keep strong and be true to myself but the odds are against me, the rules are against me, the game is not a game that includes women. This is not what  I'm used to. I need to regroup, reassess and replan my next step. I need time as my options aren't exactly what I had planned for a 'plan b', in fact they weren't even considered.

Time to think and the scary thing is, I don't have much time.

Hit a "Fork in the Road"

This week I've stumbled onto my 'fork in the road'. I now feel that I need to make a decision and whatever road I choose will determine the outcome of this journey that I've chosen to make. I just pray that I make the right one based on logic rather than emotions. I tend to make too many emotional decisions and then later regret them. This time I hope that I can remain calm enough to just sit it out for a week or two and then decide. Waiting and praying.

My Birthday weekend

ABDEEN PALACE



 

 

Today was a nice day as my good friends RK and DA decided to take me out for my birthday weekend. We decided to go to Abdeen Palace but we found out that it was closed due to the unrest in the country. It's absolutely gorgeous but we couldn't go inside. I want to thank them both and their friend 'T' for taking time out of their day to make sure I didn't spend this day alone. We did end up driving around for hours which was nice, as I got to see different parts of Cairo but I couldn't get one thing out of my mind, what do I do next? I have no job as of March 1st, I'm waiting for 'something' and I don't believe anything is going to happen here for me. I've lost hope but not my faith yet I feel like I'm praying for something that might not be. I think I need to go home ASAP. I'm wasting time and I'm getting deeper and deeper into a place I don't like.

My comment of Facebook was quite a vent

today's vent was this:


you know I've gotten to a point where I simply don't give a flying fucking shit anymore. I never curse on my posts for I think it's really tacky but it's like I said I simply don't give a FFS anymore. To all my real friends back in the US I pray that I see you shortly for I have NOTHING keeping me here in this fucking goddamn hell hole. May GOD protect me from ever stepping foot back in this cesspool of a region, may I never see a fucking arab again in my fucking life, may I never hear another word uttered in that ignorant arabic accent that I have been cursed with for the past year, may I never hear news about the middle east again. I'm coming home to never leave again! i hope this place gets swallowed up by a fucking raging dragon! now how many f' words can you count. Yes I ranted, I needed it desperately. and if my post offends you then you probably offend me. so back off the comments, I'm not in the mood.

How would one describe the Middle East?

For me it goes something like this:

The Middle East (especially Egypt)=The Devil's Vomit.

Laugh if you like but it's meant to be graphic. Take it as you may. Be offended or disgusted but I hate this place with every ounce of my body and soul.

Thank you mommy for being a Berber-Ottoman. The two best and most successful of the Mediterranean people. I love them both and I am honored to be one of them. You make me proud you Berbers and Ottomans!

No one understands what I'm going through

simply............lots of trials and tribulations. it's very painful and I'm very sad today. I thought that I would have a lot to say but I don't. I'm just going through a very tough period in my life right now and I have no idea how I'm going to get through it.

If Allah brings you to it then he will bring you through it. I truly believe...ameen

My Birthday...even though I wish it wasn't

Today is my Birthday and I turn 30 something, notice how women never tell their age.  Anyway, I spent it doing my least favorite thing and that's going to work. Then I came home to an empty house and had my salad and half a wrap. Other than my facebook 'birthday wishes' I only had three human contacts wishing me a happy birthday-they were my co-workers and a neighbor. I want to cry, sob and just curl up into a ball. This has to be by far the worst birthday in all my life. I can't believe I'm alone on my birthday and the 'friends' I thought I had never even responded to my invite to my birthday outing.

This just brings me to one conclusion....I MUST GO HOME. I'm finished with trying and I'm too depressed to care anymore.

I can't believe this is happening to me nor can I accept this situation any further. It's over. I'm done trying, I'm done caring, I'm utterly done.